Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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