I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
