Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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