My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
