you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Princesses don't give blow jobs
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
ttyl tear gas
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
