She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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