ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
