I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
