I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
