Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
porn star boner night. come get it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
