I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
3 2 1 whiskey
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Randomize
