you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize