she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
