Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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