Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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