I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize