before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
