just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
