I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize