Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
