Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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