my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
