hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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