So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
