i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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