FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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