Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
