We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
