Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I think I am morally bankrupt
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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