I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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