I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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