Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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