the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
