Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
