Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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