So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
