Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
