I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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