he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
