I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
