our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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