i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Randomize
