my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
