I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
