there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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