we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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