She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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