You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
