hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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