Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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