Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
