hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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