I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
