We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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