Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
