Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize