my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
