My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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