Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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